A little clarity (whew!)

D and I went to a Christmas party about 90 minutes south of here last night, and had a great time, and a really great and revealing conversation about the future on the ride home. I have a feeling our trip to his folks house next weekend will yield similar types of conversational topics.

I know I mentioned earlier that D and I weren't communicating terribly well on the whole engagement/sense of occasion idea we finally were able to understand one another. I think he now understands my need for making the situation special, and I feel like I understand how he was misinterpreting my feelings initially. He's so concerned about disappointing me or messing things up, and I reassured him, vehemently, that he couldn't possibly screw it up and that all I wanted was the acknowledgement that this was a milestone moment in both of our lives and not just a hiccup along the road of life. I just wanted to pause and recognize that we were making a new and exciting step, together, in our lives. I feel so much better now.

We also talked about how to do all of this wedding business on an angel-hair pasta budget (thinner than a shoestring...get it? ;-p). As a woman, I think there is a genetic predisposition for knowing how all of this works and also how to do it affordably, and I was able to share some of the ideas I had for pulling this together tastefully yet affordably. I designed invitations today on Microsoft Publisher. How about that? They're mock ups right now since we don't have a date set, but I thought they looked quite pretty. No "Wanted" posters here...I know some of you know what I mean by that one! I also looked online for dresses and found some reasonably priced ones at various locations, and not just David's Bridal. Dammit, research is what I do! I can research wedding cost options!! This will be fun.

On a slightly different note, D's dad called me this morning at 8. Yes, 8...after I had been up until 2am...and since I didn't recognize the number, to voice mail it went. What I had was the sweetest message from D's father (who is a classy, elderly gentleman in every sense of the word gentleman) stating how much he and D's stepmother, who is also quite lovely, were very much looking forward to having me in their home for the holidays. How wonderful is that! I saved it of course, so that I can listen to it again. They are such magnificent people!

Change is good

This is the bulk of a comment I left on another blogger's site, but I thought it went well here.

As you all know, I am on the verge of trading singledom in for permanent coupledom, and I will admit that it scares me. I am excited at the prospect of spending the rest of my life with someone that I love very much, but yet I fear the loss of independence that comes with sharing your life with another person. I treasure my alone-time, and I worry about losing that. But I am also happy to have someone in my life who allows me to feel so secure in a relationship while still maintaining my identity.

Along with that is the real possibility of geographical relocation...leaving all that I know behind and trekking off for parts unknown and all the change that it will bring. All that being said, it all boils down to the dichotomy of change. As humans we all fear change on some level because it yanks us out of our comfort zone and makes us adapt, but adapt we do. I like to think that I embrace change, but I know that not everyone does, and some adapt quicker than others. Plus, even those of us who embrace change feel some of that trepidation of the unknown. Confronting those fears helps us to grow, and it shows just how much we are capable of doing and achieving.

Everyone's a planner

OK, so I am not the only hyper-planner out there right now. Everyone wants to help me. My friend SG has already found me a reception location and made the very helpful suggestion that we do a cake and champagne/punch reception in lieu of a big dinner, and she also mentioned that she used to make wedding veils when she was in college...still waiting to get the rest of THAT story! D's dad has sent information about Bed and Breakfast locations that he wants to send us to for our honeymoon. I can't tell you all how grateful I am for the help and tips! And everyone has advice for me. I love it. :) I'm sure it is only the beginning, and I have to say, even for the stress of it all, it's a lot of fun, too.

I will be having a job interview soon. I got a call last night from a company where I had sent in my resume, and I called them back to schedule a time, but my contact was on a conference call. I am very excited to hear back from him...I even had a dream about that. Wish me luck!!

Anticipation

So many details are unknown at this point, and I'm feeling a little stressed. Not bad stressed, but stressed. I'll be so glad when D knows when he will have a post and where that post will be located. I just want to start planning what needs to be planned with specifics in place. I'm trying to enjoy the process as it unfolds, even though a part of my brain keeps screaming "five months, a wedding could happen in FIVE MONTHS!!" Never mind that we can't afford much of anything at all, that voice is there, making me a little nutty. Someone tell me if I turn into a bridezilla down the line...I so don't want to go down that road. Breathe in, breathe out, take it one day at a time, don't rush things. Ommmm.

I wish we could afford a nice wedding. I mean, whatever we do it will be nice, and I'm really more concerned about the marriage than any wedding ceremony, big or small. The marriage part doesn't stress me out. I know we are great together and are a team, and that we love and respect one another enough to make this work even when times are tough. I just want to be able to have a tasteful wedding. As it stands right now, we can only afford to have our immediate families there, and that makes me a little sad. My friends are an integral part of my life, and I really want them to be there. One of my friends said she'd write Oprah for me, which gave me a chuckle. I had a dream the other night that I was wearing a pink pantsuit instead of a dress because I couldn't afford to get a wedding dress of my own, and I flipped out and stopped the wedding so I could run to another friend's house, borrow her dress, and pick up where we left off...and the dress was too short to boot. How crazy is that?! We're not even officially engaged yet (Christmas is when we will make the big familial announcement, so shhh for a little longer). I guess I have too much time on my hands and not enough to distract me from obsessing about things that are out of my control at this point in time. Like a kid at Christmas, the anticipation is making me wait. ;-)

That certain sense of occasion

I like celebrations. They break up the monotony of life. I'll never get why certain religious groups refuse to celebrate holidays...OK, I understand the background idea behind it, but it still seems a little depressing. Celebrations give you something to look forward to, and also something to remember. Stories that we look back on, years from now, that bring a smile or a chuckle to those who remember the occasion, even if things weren't quite so funny when it happened. Families and friends all come together for celebrations. As our society becomes more and more detached from one another, this is important. We need to make time to celebrate in our lives.

That being said, D and I had a discussion last night, and I think we're on different pages about celebrations and conveying a sense of occasion. Here's the back story: Earlier this week while we were chatting on the phone, he made a point tell me about his planning of our joint future over the next year or so, detailing the different things that will happen in our personal life with regard to his transition to ministry. It was very concise and well thought out, but I quipped "how romantic" very sarcastically at the well-oiled machine approach to when our wedding would be. I wasn't trying to be a smart ass specifically, but I felt steamrolled by the details that had been worked out without my input. I'm a little sensitive to that sort of planning because that is what happens to me constantly at work, so having it in my personal life generated a knee-jerk response that was meaner than I meant for it to be. He was hurt, naturally, and it's been difficult to explain to him exactly why I feel the way I do, although I have tried. He was only trying to be helpful and thoughtful, and I appreciate that, and I am sorry for the way I reacted, but I haven't been able to successfully apologize yet, although I have tried. Maybe it just takes a little time.

I guess I am saying all of this because it's important to me that he understands that I crave a certain sense of occasion in my life. To me, as a woman especially, I want that engagement story. I want to say "we're engaged," and when people ask how we got engaged, I want a story! I don't want to say "oh, we just decided over the phone one rainy Tuesday evening while I had Gilmore Girls on in the background"...there is no romance in that whatsoever!! And it doesn't have to be elaborate, just a small pause in our everyday life to acknowledge that this is important and significant. I know we can't afford much in the way of a wedding, and between that and a non-engagement engagement, I feel like it's a business transaction and not one of the happiest moments in my life. Am I silly to want these things? I know I had the big production proposal already, which lead to nothing, but I just want a little romance in this process. I want a story to tell and remember fondly instead of a speedbump in our life together, colorless in its remembrance. We love each other, and that is important, I just want to celebrate it, even just a little bit!

Here, jobbie jobbie jobbie

I need a new job. Every time I think about my current job--going to work tomorrow, planning for future projects, etc., I get a sinking feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. First thing first: I am glad to have a job. I know I am lucky to be gainfully employed, able to pay my bills, insured, and the like. But I hate what I do right now, and I cannot wait to be doing something else. Customer service is the pits deluxe! Not only are you the first point of defense for the customer's abuse, you are the red-headed stepchild of the organization internally. Now, without my department, the organization wouldn't have revenue. Without ticketing, no one comes to the event, no one pays to see the event, and therefore, the event will not happen and no one will make any money. But we are treated like we have no idea how the organization runs. It's terrible to work where you cannot be an effective force for change. You want to do the job better than your predecessor and really prove your worth, but when your ideas and innovations are devalued, you lose the impetus to make any improvements. You lose the drive to be creative, and then the job starts to suck you dry like a leech. My title is director, but I don't direct anything. Directives are handed down to me, and I have to implement them, no matter how ill-conceived they may be. I have little to no input into these grand designs, and I feel like I could make them better if I were included in the brainstorming process. Sometimes I wonder if it is because I am temporary, somewhat, in my position that I do not feel empowered. It just seems silly to hire someone, even if for a short while, and not let them contribute to the process in the manner that their skills would allow.

I know that this current job is not what I want to do in the "big picture" scenario of my professional life, but I take pride in doing a very good job even in a less than desirable situation. Plus, having completed a master's degree, I am incredibly eager to put my dollars and education to work as soon as possible. I chose a program that I enjoyed and could see myself happy in pursuing those career options that this training could afford me. Now, if only I could convince potential employers of my viability!

Marvelous tool, technology

Blogging is a lot like shouting from the rooftops, only no one calls the cops and tells you to pipe down. It's a way to express yourself unabashedly, and often anonymously, on all manner of topics. You can throw your thoughts out into cyberspace, and it frees your friends from having to comment if they don't want or need to, and also allows you to share your concerns without having to burden any one person.

On that note, I have truly marvelous friends who love and support me, and I never say thanks enough. I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the kind words, silent ears, and moral support they each give me in their own special and unique ways. If you are reading this, know that I appreciate all you do for me, and I only hope I am able to return those courtesies to you from time to time whenever you need them. Thank you all! :)

More unanswered questions

There are other details to be considered. I own my condo. That means I will have to put it up for sale, and soon, but when, I don't know! How long will it take to sell? I don't know! The place behind me was for sale when I bought mine in September of 04, and someone just moved into it last weekend. I'm not sure what the market is like right now. I've never sold a place before.

The job question is an ongoing one. I need practical experience in my desired field, and desperately want out of my current field. But how long will I be able to give to any potential new employer? Does it matter? Lives change all the time without notice. I may be here for 6 months, or maybe a year and a half. I can't know yet. But the one thing I do know is I want to get a start in the preservation field! I'd feel better with professional experience when the time comes to move rather than going out without any job experience in preservation and trying to start in a new town all at the same time. Not to mention that my current employment is of a somewhat temporary nature, and my contract is up (although they do not have someone in mind to replace me). I need a change now before I am jobless altogether. This has been something I've known about for a few weeks now. It chaps my ass though, because one of the reasons why I took this job was to help this particular organization out of a jam, and now they're basically showing me the door. That's some kind of gratitude for you. I feel like I am doing a good job for them, but maybe I am not. I wonder if part of the problem is that, while my title is "Director," I don't actually get to direct anything with regard to how this department is run or have any real input into what decisions are made that directly affect my department, and whenever I try to participate, I get shot down or excluded altogether. There are about 12 members to the department, but it is really a team of two, and I am not one of the two...I'm not even peripheral to those two. I am low totem, and from what I understand, that's the way things have always been with this position. No wonder no one has stayed very long. Is it any wonder I am unhappy professionally?

Clarification (very long)

I figured now was a good time to update since they are installing my desk in my office and I don't have access to the programs I need to do what needs to be done workwise. Loooooong story short(ish), my significant other, who I will refer to as D in this blog, has decided to change tracks for ordination and become a pastor instead of a lay minister. This is great news, because I think he'll be really happy and fulfilled as a pastor. My challenge is the logistics of it all. Becoming a pastor means putting oneself at the mercy of the church conference in that they will decide where he will live and serve.

The first of the many questions that have yet to be answered is what conference will he choose. He doesn't want to stay in his current one as there is a glut of qualified people here and he is ready for a change, but choosing the right conference is a challenge. How does this affect me, you ask? Well, he came to this decision after much soul searching. He feared that he would lose me as a result of this choice, and when we talked about it, I reassured him that that would not happen. There are a lot of uncertainties in my life right now, but the one thing I am sure of is our relationship together and its future. I'll go where he goes, because unlike me, he knows what he wants to do with his professional life. As many of my friends already know, my professional career has somewhat stalled out since completing my master's degree. I am stuck in a job rut in a field I don't enjoy, and have not been able to transition into a job in the field for which my education has supposedly prepared me. A change of scenery would be good for me too, as there is an abundance of qualified people here due to three programs in this state that offer similar master's degrees. With all of this in mind, we will choose the conference location based on both of our professional needs. I may not be certain what I want to "be when I grow up," but I want him to be a part of that journey.

The other question on everyone's mind is...are you getting married? The short answer is yes, the long answer is more complicated than a simple yes/no response. The when, for one thing, poses a challenge. If D gets an appointment in June of 07, my plans of an October wedding are shot to hell. We'll have to marry earlier than planned, probably in May...yes, as in 5 months from now. If he can't secure an appointment until June of 08, then October is still on as pseudo-planned. The other question is: are we engaged? No. Am I annoyed? Yes! I can't say anything to my family until things are "official," and it's making me crazy! Regardless of appointments/dates/logistics, why can't we get engaged now!? It's not like we have to have an exact date in mind to be engaged! I don't know what the hold up is except that he wants to know the particulars before he goes that route, by it makes me crazy because I'm a planner and a compartmentalizer...i like to plan things out, and I want to have that plan laid out clearly in front of me. I feel like these things are premature without the promise. And it's not about the ring. Plenty of people get engaged without a ring. I just feel like it would be the proper thing to do to have the engagement be official before all the rest of these plans are put in place. This is the bulk of my frustration. The rest is just details.

I have to take a break now. More to come later.

Disclaimer

Before I head off to bed, a few things about this blog. If you know my significant other or my family, shhhh! This is my place to unload, and I would be most appreciative if you would keep what's said here between the screen and yourself. It would hurt D's feelings to know I was airing my brain to others and not to him (although he knows most of the things I will air anyhow), and my family would flip, because I haven't told them yet. I know it seems cryptic, but it's too late to go into the details tonight, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. Patience!
Another thing is the name...many of you will ask "Anastasia"? It was my confirmation name, and considering what all is about to happen, kind of a fitting tribute to the old life. I know it sounds like I'm joining the CIA, but it's nothing like that. Patience, as I said before! More to come tomorrow.

Privacy on a public scale

Many of you will ask why I started a new blog in a new place, and the answer is simple: I needed a new place to vent about my life where my significant other did not feel obligated to read. That's a lousy explanation, but a lot of what is going on in my life directly involves him, and I wanted a forum where I could air question and concerns without having to worry about hurting his feelings, even if my concerns were not meant to be hurtful. I'm not doing a good job of this. My life is about to change in a drastic way, or rather, our life together is about to change, and these changes are good, but they are also scary, and I want my friends to know what is going on with me and how I am coping with these changes.